Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Read at Your Own Risk

This story happened about a year ago. It's crazy, may be offensive due to some words but I'm writing about it anyway because it happened and it's real. All names have been changed because these people were SCARY.

One Saturday afternoon, Howard and I went out to Paducah to get some beer. While we were out there, since it's quite a drive, he suggested we stop at a little bar and have a beer before heading back. So we go to one place where we have been before and it's closed. I suggest we try another place that just opened. We pull into the parking lot and the windows are all blacked out and the place has several motorcycles parked out front. We walk up to the door and I pull the front door open, just as Howard points out the sign on it, "No Colors Allowed". We should have turned around right then and gone back to the car but I was already half inside.

We make our way into the dim, smoky bar and take a seat on the side of the bar near the door. As we are walking to the bar stools, a guy across the bar yells out to Howard, "Where did you get that visor? Tiger Woods?" I still to this day have no idea what he meant by that. The bartender, a petite, 35ish chick brings us two Bud Lights and introduces herself to us. When she turns away, Howard says, "One beer and we are out of here". But as we are finishing, guy from across the bar tells the bartender (let's call her Trixi) to buy us a round on him. We attempt to turn it down but Trixi tells us no one turns down a drink from Bubba. Howard and I are keeping our eyes down and talking to no one trying to avoid any possible eye contact or communication with anyone in the bar. Then comes another round from Bubba who then invites us to come sit on "his" side of the bar. We are afraid at this point to do anything wrong so we slowly make our way over there.

Above is my rendition of the bar so you can see how we were trapped in a corner once we reached the other side of the bar. Mind you, Bubba is no small guy and we had to squeeze past him to get there. Moving on. OK, so now Trixi is showing the crowd her new tattoo that is basically so low on her stomach, she's not leaving much to the imagination. She then asks us if we are offended by nudity. I just shake my head because I'm thinking it's 2:00 on a Saturday afternoon and we will be long gone before any craziness goes down.

I'm staring at the napkin in front of me trying to melt into the wall when Howard nudges me and points to the end of the bar. I almost lose it. Cletus has Brandine's boob in his mouth and she's holding it with two hands. Picture two very massive people. What in the hell is going on? I spin my head around to stare at the wall while trying to close my mouth from shock. This isn't normal. I ask Howard if we mistakenly went to Stephanie's, the strip club. All of a sudden, Bubba tells Trixie he wants to "suck some t*tt*". I'm expecting her to laugh and say no or even possibly get angry, but not Trixi. Her response was, "Which one?" Both! So she gets up on her knees on the bar and pulls her shirt down and he goes at it. I really hate my life at this point. I'm pinching Howard and telling him we have to go RIGHT NOW. When Bubba gets done, he knocks over his beer and Brandine yells out, "Bubba you knocked over your beer last night after sucking my t*tt*es. You're cut off!" To which he responds "Cut me off from beer, but not t*tt*es". Is this some sort of orgy party? Because I want no freakin part in it. Howard and I are finally able to pay and make our way past Bubba when Afroman's "Because I Got High" comes on the jukebox. He yells out "Who the f*&# put this n#gg*$ sh*t on?" I have no idea what happened after that because I was sprinting to the car faster than Usain Bolt.

Seriously, I am scarred for life from this experience. Needless to say, we will never, EVER go back there again. After talking to some people we know, we learned that 1.) the sign out front apparently refers to biker colors and colors are not allowed because too many biker fights happen...yeah, right and 2.) Trixi and other bartenders can be found bartending naked except for high heels on most Friday and Saturday nights. Too bad, we didn't stick around for that...


  1. unbelievable. i would have died.

  2. girl you need to come back to northern VA! That is some seriously scary stuff!

  3. Dana, after your mom read this I'm sure she wishes that you never heard of Paducah, KY!!!! That sounded like a very scary situation. I can't even believe there are bars around like that. We're so sheltered in VA, huh?????