Friday, October 30, 2009

Off to Indy!

Howard and I leave tomorrow for Indy!! We are going up there to see Leslie and Chris, celebrate Halloween and attend the Colts/Niners game. Leslie has season tickets and luckily I was able to get seats in the same section off Craigslist so we will be close enough for Howard to talk smack about the Colts since he's a Niners fan. Well at least for the first couple of minutes until Indy is stomping all over them.

As always, when we decide to take these little mini-vacations, we have to figure out where to keep the dogs. When I went home alone in August for a week and Howard had to go away one night for work, he found a place through the internet that would keep them overnight. I never asked about it then because honestly, I just didn't want to know. I really like the girl I used before who let them sleep in her bed with her and basically treated them like her own dogs but I was still scared that's where they got the fleas from.

Decisions, decisions.

So I decided to call Howard and ask him the name of the place that he kept them at. He couldn't remember and told me to google "Dog Hotels Paducah KY" and read what came up. The first one I read off was called Pampered Pets and he said, "Yep, that's the one". Right there underneath the listing was one comment.

"Our previously healthy dog died unexpectedly while boarding at Pampered Pets."

D: HOWARD! How COULD you?!?!
H: What? How could I what?
D: How could you take our dogs to a dog MURDERER?
H: What the #$%& are you talking about?

So I read him the comment and his response was, "Oh, I guess I missed that part".

I like my dogs with fleas a whole lot more then I like my dogs dead so my decision was really easy.


A creditor called this morning asking for one of my employees. I love to mess with my employees and make them take creditor calls because I'm a mean and horrible person who gets enjoyment out of watching them squirm and make up lies. However, we are short-handed today and I couldn't pull the employee from his work so I took a message and scribbled it on a post-it and taped it to the vending machine in the break room like I always do. He obviously found it on his break and came in to ask me about it.

R: What is this?
Me: You received a phone call while you were on the line working.
R: Who is it?
Me: I have no idea. Call her and find out.
R: I don't know this number. What area code is 800?
Me: That's a toll-free number.
R: What does that mean? Is she from Mayfield?
Me: Umm...I have no idea where she is from. She called from a toll-free number. It could be anywhere.
R: How do I find out if she's from Mayfield?
Me: You call her and ask her.
R: Can you find out where this 800 area code is from?
Me: No, that's impossible. It's a toll-free number. Every state has them.
R: How can every state have the same area code. We have 270. Some state has to have 800.
Me: Fine, she's from Mayfield. We have two area codes.
R: Oh, OK! I'll call her then.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


I bought these (well not these actual ones because they are all different) magnets off Etsy a couple weeks ago for no real reason except for I thought they were pretty. When I told Howard I had bought magnets online, he looked at me like I was crazy. Which I am. But that was besides the point. Who doesn't need more magnets? It took a while for them to arrive but I had pretty much forgotten about them anyway. When I did get the package, I noticed the 10 I had ordered plus an additional 2. Apparently the owner of the shop had some health issues and there was a delay sending them out so she sent me 2 freebies. I'll take freebies anytime.

I immediately went to the fridge and started replacing all the old, ugly magnets with these new attractive ones. Even Howard was surprised at how nice they were and couldn't help but compliment me on my purchase. I win!

Friday, October 23, 2009

My Morning Traffic Report

"This is JP Roberts with the traffic center. Nothing much to report this morning. There is a lane closure on Highway 60 near Highway 62. A vehicle has hit three cows in the road. There are no injuries to the driver but the cows did not make it. Unfortunately, it's tough to move three massive, dead cows so they still remain in the road while road crews work to remove them. It's pretty bloody so if you have children in the car, I would try and avoid that scene. Other than that, there are no more incidents to report. I'm JP Roberts with the WKYQ Traffic Center."


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My Two Dogs

I love having two dogs...most of the time. Jack has a little buddy and they spend a lot of time wrestling around on the floor over bones and treats. However, when playtime is over, it becomes an all out war for my attention. I had Jack for 3.5 years before Copper came into the picture. For those 3.5 years, Jack was my only child. He was a spoiled little brat. He received all my attention and was constantly in my lap. When we first took Copper in, he was content lying on the floor alone. But now Copper is vying for some of that attention and laptime and it's driving Jack crazy.

Take last night. They were playing tug of war with a bone on the floor. Copper lost interest and jumped up on the couch next to me. He was about to roll over for a belly rub when Jack jumped up into my lap and growled at him for getting too close. This happens ALL THE TIME. Poor Copper just retreats to the other end of the couch. But then Jack will get off my lap and go find the bone. The minute he sees Copper trying to make a move towards me again, he jumps back in my lap and growls again.

Deciding that both dogs need equal attention, I will move Jack aside and pull Copper to me. And then Jack cocks his head to the side, whimpers and gives me this pitiful look like, but..but...what about me? It kills me. I think of his poor little doggie feelings and my heart breaks. So then I try to pull both of them to me and this restarts the fight over the bone on the floor somehow.

My question is if I can barely handle two dogs, how do people with two or more kids do it?
Tug of war with the bone.

Copper sleeping (& snoring) after a rowdy game with Jack. Relegated to the corner of the couch.

Where Is My Toast?

Howard is constantly forgetting where he placed things. Usually I know exactly where they are though.

Howard: Ugh, where did I put my keys?
Dana: On the dresser in the spare room.

Howard: Ugh, where did I leave my beer?
Dana: On the bookcase in the living room.

Howard: Ugh, where is the lighter for the grill?
Dana: In the drawer next to the stove.
Howard: No, it's not, I looked there.
Dana: (Opens drawer, pulls out lighter.)

On Sunday, I just couldn't help him though.

Howard: Where did I put my toast?
Dana: You made toast? When?
Howard: Just now. I made it to go with my soup.
Dana: Are you sure you made toast, Howard?
Howard: Yes, I know I did.
(we both proceed to look all over the house)
Howard: Oh, here it is. I put it on a plate and put it back in the cabinet with the rest of the plates.

Can't figure out which one is better...this time or the time he left the DirecTV remote in the refrigerator...

Pizza Challenge Destroys Wing Challenge

The bar we frequent has come up with a new challenge. I ranted about the Wing Challenge here and here. I think they finally got it right this time though. Last week they came out with a new challenge involving their 30" pizza. This is equivalent to 4 of their large 16" pizzas. I know the math doesn't seem right there but it works out, I promise. I had to draw it out on a piece of paper before I believed it. The rules are 3 people, 30 minutes, 3 toppings of your choice, no breaks. You pay for the pizza up front (which costs $60) and when and if you finish it, you get $300 in certificates and the money you paid back. Sounds easy enough. Not really. Not when you have seen the pizza before.

Two other groups have tried it and failed miserably. But Stacy, Kevin and Little Dave thought they could do it. Howard and I had no faith. None. Zero. Zilch. But we stayed around to watch anyway.

The guys have just been given their pizza here and have removed the middle and placed tons of slices on their plates. The manager, Lori, has the timer and is going over the rules one more time with them.

They had thought this out pretty well in advance. Go for the middle first and save the crusts for later because they are easier to eat. They chose chicken, mushrooms and onions for their toppings. I disagreed with their chicken choice. I thought a lighter weight vegetable would be smarter. But what do I know? I love how they continued to drink beer while doing this. Hardcore.

They have about 5 minutes left here. Not much pizza left on the tray but they have a lot on their plates still. And Little Dave is not happy about having his picture taken either. Everyone in the bar is cheering them on. And I begin to realize they might actually do this. And I'm amazed.

Somehow they finished with about 3 minutes to spare. That's equivalent to eating 1 large pizza plus 1/3 of another. That's equivalent to gross. But hey $300 in certificates for these regulars will go a long way but I highly doubt they will be using them on pizza anytime soon.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Overly Friendly

One of the reasons I like KY is because the people are so friendly. While driving down the road, almost everyone outside getting their mail or their empty trash cans or playing with their kids takes the time to look up and wave regardless of whether they know me. When passing someone in the grocery store, there is normally a polite nod and hello (accept on Saturday mornings in Walmart - then you get my evil move-the-eff-out-of-my-way-before-I-mow-you-down-with-my-shopping-cart glare). This morning I was waiting patiently in the line at the gas station while the guy in front of me turned in all of his 45,739,823,749 lottery tickets, when I felt someone's fingers softly caressing my hair. I turned my head and saw an older woman standing there with her fingers entangled in my curls. She told me I had lovely hair and I thanked her while sort of taking my hair towards the front out of her reach. Did that stop her? Noooo. She went for the other side all the while talking about how long hair is so beautiful on girls and murmuring something about mousse and hairspray. I was at a loss. I began cursing the guy in front of me for having 45,739,823,749 lottery tickets. He finally got his whopping $22.00 and left and I hurried up to the counter. She followed right behind me with her hands still in my hair and placed her breakfast on the counter next to my water and Mountain Dew. The cashier looked at me puzzled and asked if I was paying for both. I'm sure she was quite as perplexed as I was to see this old woman's hand attached to my hair. I politely declined, paid for my items then turned to the woman and gently removed her hand, smiled a goodbye and hurried to my car. Has this ever happened to anyone else? This was just way, way, way too friendly. If it hadn't been an old woman, it would have been creepy. Actually it still was sort of creepy.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


I would just like to tell Amy, Amanda, Heather, Rachel, Dawn & Matt that I am NOT happy. Seriously? I will forgive you all for yesterday considering it was a holiday. But what about today? Where were you, huh? I mean I know you have lives and babies and "work" to do but WHAT ABOUT ME? My sanity is really being tested here. All ya'll got some explaining to do tomorrow. At least I hope tomorrow...PLEASE, come back to me?

However, thanks to Leslie and Rockett for keeping me from going absolutely crazy :)

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Most puzzling phone call EVER.

Me: "Thanks for calling xxxxxxx, this is Dana, how may I help you?"
Caller: "Hello, shipping supervisor please."
Me: "That would be me."
Caller: "OK, thank you for your time." *Click*

What? Why did you ask for the shipping supervisor if you were just going to hang up? Could you make any less sense? This is going to bother me for a looooong time.

Open - Insert Foot...Again

I am the absolute queen of sticking my foot in my mouth. See here and here if you don't believe me. Howard and I were at the bar on Saturday (I know, big shocker!) and we were sitting next to a guy who struck up a conversation with Howard due to their common love of all things sports. When I sensed a break in their ramblings about the Ducks D and the Wildcats O, I jumped in to ask Howard if he had heard of a new sports bar that had just opened downtown called "The Star". He had not heard about it opening but asked me if that was where Brad (an old bartender) had said he was going to work. I looked at him puzzled because although there was a Brad working at the bar at one time, he wasn't the one who had told us he was waiting to work at a new bar opening up.

Me: It wasn't Brad. It was the other guy that worked here about the same time as Brad. You know, that guy who went to work at Texas Roadhouse, the one with the girly name.
Howard: Oh well, I don't remember his name but isn't that where he said he was going to work?
Me: Yeah, but WHAT was his NAME? It was really girly, like Stacy but not Stacy because Stacy is sitting over there.
Howard: Who cares what his name was? It wasn't a girly name.
Me: ME!
Howard: Is it really going to bother you that much?
Me: Duh.
Howard: Ugh, hey Potter! What was that guy's name who worked here about the same time as Brad?
Potter: Tori?
Me: Yes! Tori! See that's a girly name.
Howard: No, it's not.
Me: Ya huh! Like Tori Spelling?
Howard: Um, what about Torry Holt? (Jacksonville Jaguars player)
Me: He has a girly name!
Random sports guy next to us: My name is Kelly. Is that girly?
Me: Oh...damn.