Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Birthday Manda!

Not only is tomorrow Thanksgiving but it's also this beautiful girl's birthday. 

Happy Birthday Amanda!!  Sorry I won't be there to celebrate with you :(  But based on this picture, you won't need any help celebrating at all.  I love you!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope everyone has a fantastical Thanksgiving!  I will be sitting on my lazy ass at home alone watching football all day.  That's right.  ALONE.  First time I will ever be alone on a holiday.  Even Howard made it back to VA.  Now before you get all "that's so sad" and "awww, Dane, I'm so sorry", let me tell you that I am very excited about this.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends back home and would love to be spending the holiday with them but it's just not in the cards this year for a variety of reasons.  And instead of focusing on the negative aspects of spending Thanksgiving alone, I have chosen to focus on the positive.  Mainly because feeling sad and me just don't mix.  I just can't do it.  So everyone enjoy your holiday, whichever way you choose to spend it :) 

Thanksgiving at Work

Since I am not making it home for Thanksgiving this year, we decided to do Thanksgiving dinner here at work.  My boss deep-fried two turkeys and grilled a glazed ham.  I was in charge of sides.  Because I am lazy and probably the worst cook on the planet, I took the easy route. 

Stuffing?  Sure.  I can handle that.

Green Bean Casserole?  Two cans of green beans, a can of Cream of Mushroom, some fried onions and milk.  Done.

Cranberry Sauce?  Easy as 1...2...3.

Then yesterday my boss tells me John and Hot Rod want Macaroni & Cheese.  I decided to go to Walmart this morning and pick some up from the deli section.  Except they didn't have any.  Hmm...OH!  I know! 

Macaroni & Cheese

I picked up three of those babies and a serving dish and while no one was looking, microwaved them all and poured them into the dish.  Voila!  Homemade Mac & Cheese.  I also picked up some rolls and two pies.  Once it was all ready and I had finished carving the turkeys, I loaded up my plate and went back to my desk.  A little while ago, I went back into the break room for some more soda and I received a standing ovation for my "hard" work.  If they only knew...

Friday, November 20, 2009


Everytime Howard receives an email from the guy who oversees his soccer league, he forwards it to me so I can have a good laugh. For instance, this was an email he received on Monday.

I will get a make up schedule out this week. but i under stand numbers were weak last week.. To make up games will require some double header games,,I just want to make sure everyone will be there before i schedule the games. IF we can't fill 2 complete games should i go ahead and schedule the third?

And then Howard and I's exchange.

H:  Do you think he expects everyone to reply? He's so confusing and not straight forward.
M:  Don't you under stand,, that he needs to know IF people are going to be able to play in double header games.

But the email the guy sent out last night about the new Sports Depot that just opened up behing the mall in Paducah was just too stellar not to post.

[XYZ] SPORTS DEPOT grand opening is this saturday. with life radio remotes  for 5 straight hours, free t shirts, spedicals, the ban will be giving away water, Coum out and check it,, might be suresprises

Could someone please tell me what "life radio remotes" are?  Actually who cares?!  With spedicals and suresprises,, I wouldn't miss it for the world!  Don't forget the free water from the ban!  You better coum out and check it,,

Really?  Really.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

So Sad...

I heard about this on the radio this morning and I felt sick.  When I got to work, I realized that this happened a block down from my work.  All the dogs that run around across the street are gone.  I just hope they find them good homes.  :(

Puppy mill found in Graves County

By Gerran Thomas

Story Created: Nov 18, 2009 at 1:12 PM CST
Story Updated: Nov 19, 2009 at 5:40 AM CST

Graves County, KY- Three people face cruelty to animal charges after nearly 60 animals were taken from a suspected puppy mill. Graves County Humane Society along with the Sheriff's Department found nearly 60 dogs living in horrible conditions outside a home in Hickory, Kentucky. Most of the dogs are malnourished and covered with mange and fleas.

A complaint from a woman that bought a puppy sparked the investigation. Denise Hunter, Michael Hunter and Wade Peterson were cited for misdemeanor cruelty to animals. The animals were taken to the Mayfield-Graves County Animal Shelter. Staff say the sudden increase in dogs will hurt an already financially strapped budget.

"It's going to be a huge undertaking," said Shelter Board Member Amy Hughes. "It will take a lot of teamwork, we will likely have to reach out to other shelters and rescue groups to see where to house everyone," Hughes added.

The dogs will be checked by a veterinarian soon. In the meantime, the Mayfield-Graves County Animal Shelter is accepting donations to help care for the animals. If you would like to send a check, mail it to the shelter at:

Mayfield-Graves County Animal Shelter
500 North 12th Street
Mayfield, KY 42066.

Little Red Ratty Hood

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Statement from John

I got a phone call this morning from someone who told me it was urgent they get in touch with John for a statement.  He was out loading a truck so I couldn't get him on the phone (to my dismay).  I wrote the message down and went outside to give it to him. 

M:  John, this guy called for you and said it was urgent that you call him and give him your statement.
J:  Awwww nah!  What did I do this time?  I don't think I've done anything too illegal lately.  Wait...there was...nah, that was like 2 months ago.
M:  He didn't identify himself as a police officer or anything, he just said he needed a statement from you.
J:  Awwww nah!  I know what this be about.  I saw that girl fall off the truck. 
M:  What girl?
J:  This girl.  They were all drunk driving around and she fell off the back and then the other guy was so drunk that he turned around and then ran back over her!  She had a hole in her head.  I ain't lyin. I had tears in my eyes.
M:  Um, ok, yeah, that's probably what it's about then.
J:  She must be trying to get some money or somethin.  I might be able to get a case of beer out of the deal!
M:  Mmmhmmm.  Just call him when you are at lunch.

I went into the breakroom at lunch and asked if he had called yet which he hadn't.  He asked me to call and find out who it was to which I said no.  I walked with him to the phone and dialed the number and extension for him then left him alone.  He came in to my office a couple minutes later.

J:  Well, apparently I was just supposed to listen to some music.
M:  What?
J:  Well this girl answered and I asked for the guy you told me to and then she starting playing music like diddly-dee, diddly-doo, diddly-dee.  It was ok I guess but not really my kind of music.  After while I just hung up because they weren't going to play any Rock and I didn't really want to give a statement on the other stuff they played.
M:  (Speechless)
J:  Thanks though!

Date Night

Last night Howard and I did something that, in the history of our 3.5 year relationship, we have never done.  Dinner and a movie.  I know it's crazy.  That's like a typical date but Howard and I have never been typical.  I have been dying to see a movie in 3D ever since the Ice Age 3 debacle.  When I saw A Christmas Carol was coming out in 3D, I told Howard we were definitely going to see it.  And we did!  We met for dinner at The Big Apple Cafe in Murray and then headed over to the theater.

Two years ago, when we first moved to Benton, Howard's co-worker, Donnie, who helped us move in, gave us two free passes to the Murray movie theater along with a $5 concession voucher.  Since it's been more than two years since we've been to a movie theater, I still had them sitting on the desk in our apartment.  I figured they would definitely be expired but I grabbed them before leaving anyway.  To our surprise, they still worked so we only paid for the 3D glasses, a total of $4 for the pair.  Then with the voucher for the concession stand, we spent a whole $1 on popcorn and a soda.  Pretty cheap night at the movies! 

The movie was very good, although I am over my obsession with 3D movies.  The glasses made my eyes extremely dry and I was happy when a part near the end made me cry because it felt good to rewet my eyeballs.  I welcomed the tears.  Also, this movie was kind of scary.  It's rated PG but there was some parts I questioned as kid-friendly.  Even Howard said he might have nightmares.  But overall, we had a very nice night.  I'm sure we will do it again in another 3 years or so. 

Monday, November 16, 2009

I Heart Pizza Hut

Howard joined another soccer league for the fall season.  It's an indoor league with some of the same guys from the summer and it meets in Paducah on Thursday nights.  I met Howard at the gym last Thursday for the game, which he won, and then while driving home, had the following conversation with myself.

Hmmm...what should we have for dinner?  The Niners game is on tonight so I really don't feel like making anything too complicated.  Let's see, what do we have in the freezer...Skillet Sensations, eh, not feeling that.  We do have those Macaroni Grill dinners but I would need to stop by the grocery store and get chicken.  Blah.  Man, I really just want pizza from Pizza Hut.  I should call them right now and pick it up before going home.  Nope, can't do that.  Howard will just tell me that it was a waste of money since we have a frozen pizza in the freezer.  I don't want a frozen pizza.  I want Pizza Hut.  Why can't he just relax once in a while and enjoy the fact someone else made a pizza for us.  Who cares if it costs $10 more then that Red Baron pizza in the freezer.  Stupid Howard.  Fine.  I'll just listen to "Fireflies" on the radio and when it's over I will call him and tell him to figure out dinner.  Yeah, that's what I'll do.  Screw him for not ever wanting Pizza Hut.  He can just make dinner himself.

Not even a minute later...*Ring* *Ring*

H:  Hey, don't rush home to make dinner or anything, not that you were going to.
M:  Why?
H:  Because.
M:  Because why?
H:  Because I ordered a medium, cheese pizza from Pizza Hut and I'm picking it up on the way home.

We must be on the same wavelength.  The man read my mind. 


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Droid & Unsweetined

I love coming home to find packages addressed to me.  Howard's mom sends him random stuff all the time so I get especially excited when the packages have my name on it.  So what if I ordered something off the Internet and have it delivered to myself?  A package is a package.  So yesterday when I got home from work I found the following...

THE DROID!  I am finally cool.  I've wanted an IPhone for a long time but was waiting for Verizon to come out with something similar so I wouldn't have to pay the early termination fees.  When I saw this came out on Friday, I went ahead and bought it for myself.  I literally saw that my friend Richie from high school and GMU had gotten it when he posted a status update on FB.  Richie was always technically savvy so I just assumed he had done a ton of research.  Later I wrote him and lucky for me, he hasn't changed.  Howard's co-worker also is very into phone technology and told Howard, "It's BADASS!!!!!!" 

When I saw this was coming out, I knew I was going to buy it.  I started it last night and though it's written in a style more like I write my blogs, I still had trouble putting it down.  I was already in bed when I read something I hadn't known.  I came running out into the living room to tell Howard.  He was on the phone with his brother.

Me:  Howard!  Howard!  Breaking news!!
Howard:  Hold on Dave, Dana thinks she has breaking news.
Me:  Did you know "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette was written about Uncle Joey?!?!?!
Howard:  Really?
Me:  Yeah!!  Ranger Joe and Alanis were dating back then!
Howard:  Hmm, tell Dave.
Me:  Dave!!  Did you know "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette was written about Uncle Joey from Full House?
Dave:  Um, yeah, I told you that like 3 years ago.
Me:  Impossible!  I would TOTALLY remember something like that.

Eh.  It was re-breaking news to me then.  I definitely won't forget this time though.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Subway Etiquette

Upon completion of crossing off "bringing my lunch to work for 2 straight weeks" from my list, I decided to treat myself to Subway today.  As I was pulling into my parking space, a woman pulled in next to me.  She looked over at me as I was opening my car door and then proceeded to slam her car into park, hurriedly get out of her car and then she all but hopped the railing to get to the door before me.  I was right behind her so I thought maybe she would hold the door for me, but no, she just let it swing back into my face.

At this point, I am thinking she's just in a super rush to get her lunch and hightail it back to work.  She gets to the counter and tells the lady she wants a footlong Buffalo Chicken which the lady makes and then the lady turns to me and asks my order.  And this is when the woman states she needs 5 more footlongs.  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  Did you really just race to beat me into line so you could keep me from ordering my itty bitty ham sammy

So it's obvious this woman was crowned the Subway bitch at work which has happened to me numerous times.  But I am smart enough to know that I cannot remember each particular order for Tom, Dick and Harry.  SO I WRITE THEM DOWN.  But not this woman.  She starts blabbering on about how she can't remember if Joe Bob wanted Chicken Teriyaki or Chicken Breast or blah, blah, blah.  So she breaks out her cell phone right there in line and proceeds to call her work to verify the orders.  ARE YOU SERIOUS? 


I really just had to get that off my chest.  Thanks.

House Hunting

Howard and I went to look at two houses on Saturday.  We really liked the first one that was situated on 3.5 acres.  It was a brick, 3 bedroom, 1 bath home for $89,000 with brand new hardwood floors, all new appliances and countertops, a completely redone stone backsplash, ceramic tile in the kitchen and this beautiful view from the front porch.

Lovely!  I'll take it.

Friday, November 6, 2009


Amanda informed me today that she and Rachel are Googlists.  They converted to their new religion, Googlism.  Because Google answers all of life's questions and is always there to help you when no one else is.  She then sent me this comic strip from "Pearls Before Swine". 

Awesome.  I think I'm going to convert as well.

UPDATE:  Apparently Amanda and Rachel were not the first to come up with Googlism.  The Church of Google has already been founded here.  And although Amanda and Rachel were joking, apparently these people are not.  W.O.W.

Check out their 10 Commandments:

Thou shalt have no other Search Engine before me, neither Yahoo nor Lycos, AltaVista nor Metacrawler. Thou shalt worship only me, and come to Google only for answers.

Thou shalt not build thy own commercial-free Search Engine, for I am a jealous Engine, bringing law suits and plagues against the fathers of the children unto the third and fourth generations.

Thou shalt not use Google as a verb to mean the use of any lesser Search Engine.

Thou shalt remember each passing day and use thy time as an opportunity to gain knowledge of the unknown.

Thou shalt honor thy fellow humans, regardless of gender, sexual orientation or race, for each has invaluable experience and knowledge to contribute toward humankind.

Thou shalt not misspell whilst praying to me.

Thou shalt not hotlink.

Thou shalt not plagiarise or take undue credit for other's work.

Thou shalt not use reciprocal links nor link farms, for I am a vengeful but fair engine and will diminish thy PageRank. The Google Dance shall cometh.

Thou shalt not manipulate Search Results. Search Engine Optimization is but the work of Microsoft.

And top top it off, the holiday for the Almighty Google falls on my birthday!

Big Day Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I am going to a hair salon after avoiding them for the past 22 months. And I am petrified. Yeah, yeah, I know it will grow back and all that jazz but you weren't permanently scarred 22 months ago like I was.

When I first moved here my hair was long which is how I like it yet it was unhealthy. I had plenty of time on my hands since I didn't have a job yet so I decided to go get an inch cut off. An inch. That's it. When I sat down and told her what I wanted and she smiled and told me that it was a simple request, I was thinking what an easy customer I was. She told me she preferred to cut curly hair while dry which I had never heard of but I said ok...I mean she's a professional, right? But then she began brushing my curls out. Until I had a big, poofy fro going on. And then proceeded to cut almost 5 inches off.

I was devastated. But what am I going to do in the middle of the haircut? Make her stop? It was a little late for that. So I just sat there cursing her silently to myself. So then I thought, maybe she had some ultimate plan that would *cross my fingers* turn out cute. Maybe she had some styling trick up her sleeve that would make me forget all those nasty names swirling through my head.

Except she didn't style it. She took the cape/smock (whatever that thing is called) from around my shoulders and smiled at me. I was done. My hair still a poofball...a much shorter poofball. What are you supposed to really say when you hate a haircut? I wanted to scream, "OMG! I'm hideous!!" but instead I paid her and walked to my car and drove home. And I cried. Yes, I knew it would grow back but it was at that point I realized how far from home I was. It was also at that point I decided I would never trust anyone in KY again.

Until now. It's time to face my fear. Because my hair needs some serious work and it just can't wait any longer. So wish me luck.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Our Trip to Indy

For those of you who read Leslie's blog, most of this was already posted there. Oh, I also stole her pictures ;) Just a warning so you aren't wasting precious, valuable time!

Saturday morning, Howard and I dropped the dogs off with Liz and headed up to Indy. Howard wanted breakfast even though it was nearing 11 am so we stopped at Waffle House. I have no idea why we continue to go there. They never ever get our orders right. And it's really not that good. But it was breakfast so Howard was happy...for the most part. I, however, had some nastiness floating in my coke that I didn't realize was there until after I had drank half the glass so that pretty much ruined the meal for me.

Of course my back started acting up during the drive so I had to stop 4 or 5 times to get out and stretch. There was no way I was going to have a repeat of our last vacation where I was in blinding pain for the duration of the trip. We finally arrived at Chris and Leslie's apartment around 5 pm. We had a great time that night carving pumpkins and playing cards and apparently I like licking my hands...News to me. Chris made sloppy joes and it was my first time ever having them. They were pretty dang good. Leslie was also kind enough to make a trip to Einstein's for me to get me bagels!! Last week she told me about some argument her dad and her were having over my bagel situation and managed to find out what kind I liked in the process. I didn't have a clue. I thought she was just really interested in my bagel predicament.

See that tiny little thing in the middle? Yeah, that would be mine. But you should have seen the size of the stem! That's what counts. Trust me.

Sunday morning, we arrived at the tailgate lot right across from the stadium. That's Lucas Oil Stadium behind us. We left the lot a little early so we could go see Leslie's brick.

This picture wasn't taken the day of the game (obviously since she is wearing a different jersey). Again, I stole it from Leslie but how cool is it that she has a brick right up at the stadium.

At some point during the game, Howard informed Leslie that he had turned all of the Colts stuff in the bedroom around to face the wall. The night before they had had a conversation about how superstitious they were about their teams. It didn't work though and although the game was close, the Colts pulled it out to remain undefeated. We had a great time anyway. We headed back to their apartment afterwards and were greeted by Hank, their new puppy at the door. Hank is supposed to be crated during the day. Somehow he managed to escape and had done a number on a Bud Light can, literally ripping it to shreds as well as tearing up Leslie's season tickets. Fortunately they are pretty easy to replace.

Thanks for having us up Leslie!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

R.I.P Fievel

Working here has desensitized me to most rodents and insects. There are spiders everywhere. There is one above my desk on the wall right now and I honestly don't care. I barely notice them anymore. We also have mice and I like to name them. I name them all Fievel though. My boss doesn't look so fondly upon my Fievels and one day when I wasn't around, decided to place rat poison in discrete places where I wouldn't outright see them. Last Friday, I saw Fievel scampering from behind the copier to the credenza several times. It wasn't until I went to the copier and looked behind the credenza that I discovered the poison.

I knew Fievel's days were numbered. However, I wasn't expecting to find him on the carpet two feet from my desk. I have no idea how long he's been there since it's hard to see anything on this horrible brown and green paisley carpet we've got here. My boss told me he would get rid of him and then walked out and hasn't come back for over an hour. So I'm stuck here staring at Fievel.

I decided to do what any normal person would do and take a picture. And then I sent that picture to my new BFF Rachel so she could feel my pain. And then she said a few words:

he had a rough life
and just as the crazy whirl of colors on the carpet below him, the world will continue spinning
he is in a better place
the land of cheese
you will be missed, Fievel. Asalakalakum Amen.

So sweet.

I called in Mike to be my hero and remove Fievel. He scooped him up into a piece of paper and right then, Hot Rod walked in, saw the mouse and said, no joke, "OOO, a dead mouse! A mouse burger! Dinner!"


Howard was out of town last night so of course, like usual, I decided that it was a fantastic idea to let the dogs sleep with me. He hates this. But what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? Jack pretty much knows that when Howard is out of town, he gets bedroom priveleges so before I was even out of the bathroom he was already on the bed waiting for me. So I snuggled up in bed with Jack curled up next to me. His head was resting on the side of my stomach. Copper was in his usual spot on Howard's pillow. All was calm. I closed my eyes and went to pull the covers up to my chin and that's when I felt it. My shirt was wet. And chunky. I threw off the covers to discover my worst fear. Jack had thrown up on me. But somehow it was EVERYWHERE. All over my shirt, the comforter, the sheets, him. This is what we call Karma. It's a bitch. An hour later, I was back in bed with a new t-shirt, comforter and sheets. ALONE.