Monday, September 21, 2009

Sonny Spawn

I met one of God's messengers on Friday night. At least that's what he called himself. When I first was walking up to the doors to go in the bar entrance, I noticed a man standing alone with his back to me. He was talking so I figured he was on his Bluetooth. As I went to walk past him, I realized he was not in fact, talking to anyone on the phone at all so I concluded he was talking to himself. I walked into the empty bar and immediately the manager says, "Dana, you might want to run and hide". I asked if it was because of the man outside talking to himself and the managers and bartender just nodded. I heard the door open behind me and I turned to witness the man open the door, and then hold it open while he ushered two unseen people in. He went to his spot at the other end of the bar. I immediately called Howard while I was hiding behind the MegaTouch from the man's view. I told him "to hurry the hell up". I didn't want this man thinking it was okay to come and talk to me since we were the only two at the bar. An older man named David came in right then and sat down next to me. Howard arrived about 10 minutes later.

The three of us were sitting at the end of the bar minding our own business when the man decided to come over to us. He walked over and then stared at the fridge Howard was next to and said, "Oh I thought that was Melanie". He then thanks David for being a nice trucker and giving him a ride. David is not a trucker nor did he ever give him a ride. He talks about fishing in the restaurant and how much fun it is. Uhh? He thanks me for supporting him when times were tough. I've never met this man before. He blesses us all and walks away.

Once I had a few drinks in me, I decide this man is fascinating and want to talk to him (with Martin standing by me as my protector). I didn't speak more than 3 times. His thoughts were so random and he jumped from one topic to another. Here is what I no particular order.

1. His first name is Sonny.
2. His last name is Spawn. Or Sponn. Or Spawnn. Or Spohn. He literally spelled his "last name" 15 different ways in about 10 seconds. My head was spinning.
3. He likes truckers. Because they travel the ocean.
4. Paris Hilton shot him in the head when he was in first grade.
5. Paris Hilton is a really nice lady, she just needs to stop hanging with the muck.
6. The wardrobe from "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" shot him in the head when he was in first grade.
7. He did drugs.
8. He never did drugs.
9. He went to jail for crack cocaine for 12.3. 12 months, 3 weeks.
10. He found Jesus.
11. Mother Mary and Joseph were there with him.
12. Mother Mary likes shrimp. Joseph likes chicken sandwiches. So much so that he bought them both meals and placed them in front of the empty seats to his right and left where they sat untouched for the rest of the night.
13. Moses showed up and he ordered him a baked potato. Moses liked the baked potato.
14. I need to repent.
15. Alcohol keeps him off alcohol.
16. Alcohol keeps him off drugs.
17. Shrinks don't help him. Jesus does.
18. Jesus is his drug of choice.
19. He thinks David's (the older man sitting next to me) name is Mr. Big Stuff.
20. He's from Indiana, PA but has a British accent.

I never felt threatened or scared. I just felt bad. He belongs in a mental facility somewhere. I'm not qualified to diagnose whatever issue he has but I know enough to know he's crazy and needs help.

He bought everyone at the bar a round later on that evening. No idea where he was getting all this money from but he was paying cash for everything. According to the night time bartender, he finally had to cut him off around 11. He asked if there was anywhere he could go to get beer and Aaron pointed him in the direction of Exit 3. Little did Sonny know that Exit 3 closes around 10. He left the bar and walked off into the night.


  1. "Jesus is the drug of choice." wins my vote for best quote of 2009!!!

  2. wow...aww that's sad. At least it made for an interesting evening though!

  3. WOW!! I grew up in Indiana, PA. That guy is crazy for real! He was a drug dealer from what I understand years ago. He is crazy!