On my mind...

On my mind...

1. My BFF, Ashley forgot my birthday this year…and I couldn’t be happier. I forgot her birthday years ago. I was hanging out with my then boyfriend when Ashley called.

Ash: Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Me: Probably just hanging out here.

Ash: Oh………..Well, do you want to hang out with me since it’s my birthday?

Me: Uh, oh, um, uh………….Sorry?

Around 10 pm on the night of my birthday, I turned to Howard and a huge grin spread across my face and said, “I think she forgot!!” to which he responded, “You are so weird.”

I called Ash after work on Tuesday thinking maybe she would say something like “Oh, Dane, I’ve been meaning to call you! Happy Birthday!” But instead we just had chatted for a few minutes about random stuff. And then:

Me: So, we are officially even now.

Ash: What?

Me: It was my birthday yesterday.

Ash: @#$@*#$&*@#*$@*#$@&@&%@&@#$

I told her that it was the best gift she could ever give me. Now we are on even playing fields again. Equals. She can never bring it up again. HA!

The following year after I forgot her birthday, I pretended to forget again and just invited her to a hotel party I was going to. She had no idea that it was a surprise party for her. So I told her that she’s going to have to go big next year to make up for this year. Big like visiting me in KY. She asked me to please forget her birthday next year instead so she can be one up again. This is why she is my best friend.

2. Kanye West = Worthless

3. Jack peed on me the other day. We had been out with the dogs all day while we were fumigating for fleas in the apartment. It was hot and Jack was running around chasing tennis balls for an hour. During that hour, he must have gone over to the water spigot 15 times. When we got back home, I gave him two baths, one for fleas and one for dry skin that the flea shampoo gives him. Poor thing was worn out. He hates baths. He lay down on his blanket next to me on the couch and was out cold. When he woke up, he crawled onto my lap and was stretching when I felt something wet on my arm. I looked down and realized he was peeing on me. On Me. The dog doesn’t ever pee in the house. How could he pee on me? I set him on his blanket to get up but when I looked down at him, he was still peeing. Howard pushed him to the floor where he continued to pee! I took him outside after that. It was very strange. I think he was sleep-peeing.

4. I realized the other day that I never made it to Einstein’s to get bagels when I was home for a week. We don’t have any bagels shops here. Zero, zilch. So the next time you are having your delicious fresh bagel for breakfast, stop and think of poor me, and then laugh and go back to eating your deliciously, wonderful bagel.

I decided that I would get someone to send me bagels through the mail. That person would be my mom. So I emailed her Monday.

Me: Hello - I want an Einstein’s bagel for my birthday. Do you think if you bought one and put it in a plastic baggie and overnighted it to me, it would still be fresh? Because I think it would. Thanks.

Mom: Are you kidding me??? Frankly, if you miss them that much you should just "Move Back". You are just toooo funny!! Sure hope you are having a great day. Talk later.

Me: No, no kidding. Dead serious. Send me BAGELS!

When I talked to her later, she told me I was crazy but she would do it if it would make me happy. On Tuesday morning she went to Einstein’s and bought a baker’s dozen. She ate one (who could blame her??) and then went to Fed Ex to send me the rest. That will be $52.00 please. WHAT?!?! So she called me and told me there was no way she was going to spend that kind of money to ship me bagels and I was fine with that because although I am desperate for bagels, I am not that desperate.

She also told me during this conversation that my sister’s (half-sister if you want to get technical, but I’ll never call her that) grandmother passed away during the night. She got very choked up about it. Then bagels didn’t seem so important to me anymore. As my mom tried to compose herself, I heard her choke out, “And I’m sorry about your bagels.”

Five minutes later she called me back. She said, “I am sending them anyway. I want you to have them.” I told her not to send them but she was adamant. We agreed that she would go home and freeze them and then mail them express. From $52 down to $14 for shipping. No idea when I will receive them or if they will still be any good but I will be eating them even if they are bad as punishment for putting my mom through this. But I’ll just cross my fingers and hope they are delightful.

My amazing friend Amy also offered to send me some bagels as a birthday present but I could never put her through what I put my mom through. Amy and I aren't blood-related so she wouldn't still have to love me after going through this ordeal.

5. Rest in Peace Mrs. Hart/Nanny.