Kevin Skinner

The chicken catcher from the town I work in actually won America's Got Talent and a million bucks. Makes me wish I would have hired him last year when he applied. We would so totally have become BFF's and he would totally have given me half his winnings. Sigh.

For Crying Out Loud!

Last Friday night, Howard and I were at a gas station in Paducah getting beer. When we pulled up, I saw a little Jack Russell terrier wandering around the parking lot. He came over to me and I picked him up while looking around for his owner. He had his vaccination tag and an ID tag which stated his name was Barkley and he lived in Mayfield, near where I work. On the tag there were two phone numbers so I took out my phone and dialed the first one. It was out of service. While I was dialing the second one, an older man came over to me and asked if I was going to take him home. I laughed and said, "No, I am trying to call his owner, I just took in a stray dog a couple months ago and I can't take anymore". He then laughs and asks me if I ever take in stray men. I know I mentioned he was older, but did I mention the crutches and the eye patch?? Without even looking at him, I point inside the store and tell him my boyfriend is inside and go back to dialing. The number goes straight to voicemail. Howard comes out of the store and asks what I'm doing with the dog.

H: Nah uh, no way, we are not taking him home Dana.
D: But he has a home, he has tags!! I'll drive out to Mayfield tomorrow and find his house, I promise.
H: No.
D: Fine, we will stay here until I can get a hold of the owner.
H: No.
D: Well I can't just let him go! What if he gets run over?? Huh? Then how will you feel?
H: Dana, we live in an apartment, we cannot keep another dog. Kentucky isn't like Virginia. His owner probably dropped him off here and they don't want him anymore.
D: But...but, they would take his tags off of him if they didn't want him anymore!
H: And if you can't ever get a hold of the owner? Then what?
D: I'll take him to a shelter. (Both of us knew I was lying)
H: No.

Ugh. So I called the owner again on the way home and left a message stating exactly where I saw the dog and to call me as soon as she got my message. And then I cried. And wouldn't talk to Howard for a while. I tried to explain to him how I would feel if Jack got loose and how I would much rather him get taken in by someone like me then left out on the street.

And then the owner called and said she was on the way to get him and "thank you, thank you, thank you". I resumed crying but out of happiness this time. And Howard admitted he was wrong and should have listened to me about the dog having an owner.

In his defense, if he let me take in every single animal we come across, we'd be running a farm. As I have said before, I blame my mom. I am way to soft-hearted when it comes to animals and other people's problems and I always want to make it better even when it's ridiculous like the following examples of two times I have cried in the last week.

I cried watching Hook on Saturday morning. It was at the part where Peter Pan (Robin Williams) comes back to Neverland and the Lost Boys led by Rufio don't believe it's really him. But then the little boy feels Peter's face and says, "There you are Peter!" and some of the boys start crossing the line drawn in the sand to stand on Peter's side. Except I wasn't crying for Peter Pan, I was crying for Rufio because I felt bad he was going to lose his power.

I cried during the Thursday night Steelers/Titans game because Hines Ward fumbled the ball. Hines Ward is ALWAYS smiling. And I mean ALWAYS. We've nicknamed him "Smiley". He fumbled the ball and then he wasn't smiling anymore. And that made me cry.

Luckily Howard has had 3.5 years to get used to this and he deals with it well now. He used to say things like, "What are you crying for?? This isn't even sad! It's funny!" or "What did I do?? Did I say something wrong?" But now he thinks it's completely normal that I cry because Smiley stopped smiling. I mean, that's a big deal.

Again, all blame is on my mom.

On my mind...

On my mind...

1. My BFF, Ashley forgot my birthday this year…and I couldn’t be happier. I forgot her birthday years ago. I was hanging out with my then boyfriend when Ashley called.

Ash: Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Me: Probably just hanging out here.

Ash: Oh………..Well, do you want to hang out with me since it’s my birthday?

Me: Uh, oh, um, uh………….Sorry?

Around 10 pm on the night of my birthday, I turned to Howard and a huge grin spread across my face and said, “I think she forgot!!” to which he responded, “You are so weird.”

I called Ash after work on Tuesday thinking maybe she would say something like “Oh, Dane, I’ve been meaning to call you! Happy Birthday!” But instead we just had chatted for a few minutes about random stuff. And then:

Me: So, we are officially even now.

Ash: What?

Me: It was my birthday yesterday.

Ash: @#$@*#$&*@#*$@*#$@&@&%@&@#$

I told her that it was the best gift she could ever give me. Now we are on even playing fields again. Equals. She can never bring it up again. HA!

The following year after I forgot her birthday, I pretended to forget again and just invited her to a hotel party I was going to. She had no idea that it was a surprise party for her. So I told her that she’s going to have to go big next year to make up for this year. Big like visiting me in KY. She asked me to please forget her birthday next year instead so she can be one up again. This is why she is my best friend.

2. Kanye West = Worthless

3. Jack peed on me the other day. We had been out with the dogs all day while we were fumigating for fleas in the apartment. It was hot and Jack was running around chasing tennis balls for an hour. During that hour, he must have gone over to the water spigot 15 times. When we got back home, I gave him two baths, one for fleas and one for dry skin that the flea shampoo gives him. Poor thing was worn out. He hates baths. He lay down on his blanket next to me on the couch and was out cold. When he woke up, he crawled onto my lap and was stretching when I felt something wet on my arm. I looked down and realized he was peeing on me. On Me. The dog doesn’t ever pee in the house. How could he pee on me? I set him on his blanket to get up but when I looked down at him, he was still peeing. Howard pushed him to the floor where he continued to pee! I took him outside after that. It was very strange. I think he was sleep-peeing.

4. I realized the other day that I never made it to Einstein’s to get bagels when I was home for a week. We don’t have any bagels shops here. Zero, zilch. So the next time you are having your delicious fresh bagel for breakfast, stop and think of poor me, and then laugh and go back to eating your deliciously, wonderful bagel.

I decided that I would get someone to send me bagels through the mail. That person would be my mom. So I emailed her Monday.

Me: Hello - I want an Einstein’s bagel for my birthday. Do you think if you bought one and put it in a plastic baggie and overnighted it to me, it would still be fresh? Because I think it would. Thanks.

Mom: Are you kidding me??? Frankly, if you miss them that much you should just "Move Back". You are just toooo funny!! Sure hope you are having a great day. Talk later.

Me: No, no kidding. Dead serious. Send me BAGELS!

When I talked to her later, she told me I was crazy but she would do it if it would make me happy. On Tuesday morning she went to Einstein’s and bought a baker’s dozen. She ate one (who could blame her??) and then went to Fed Ex to send me the rest. That will be $52.00 please. WHAT?!?! So she called me and told me there was no way she was going to spend that kind of money to ship me bagels and I was fine with that because although I am desperate for bagels, I am not that desperate.

She also told me during this conversation that my sister’s (half-sister if you want to get technical, but I’ll never call her that) grandmother passed away during the night. She got very choked up about it. Then bagels didn’t seem so important to me anymore. As my mom tried to compose herself, I heard her choke out, “And I’m sorry about your bagels.”

Five minutes later she called me back. She said, “I am sending them anyway. I want you to have them.” I told her not to send them but she was adamant. We agreed that she would go home and freeze them and then mail them express. From $52 down to $14 for shipping. No idea when I will receive them or if they will still be any good but I will be eating them even if they are bad as punishment for putting my mom through this. But I’ll just cross my fingers and hope they are delightful.

My amazing friend Amy also offered to send me some bagels as a birthday present but I could never put her through what I put my mom through. Amy and I aren't blood-related so she wouldn't still have to love me after going through this ordeal.

5. Rest in Peace Mrs. Hart/Nanny.

It's Frrrriday.

Things have been quiet around here lately...no one has done anything too crazy or entertaining. But it's been over a week and it's Friday and I'm bored. Hence randomness...

John came in late Tuesday morning extremely sick. Some family had come into town for the weekend and they had proceeded to buy mass amounts of liquor and drink the weekend away. John woke up in a cornfield, stumbled back to the house and rode his bike to work. I repeat, he woke up in a cornfield. He made it until 12:30 and then came into my office to tell me he needed to leave. He told me his heart just wasn't in it today. I explained to him that he had less than 3 hours to go and if he left early, he would not be paid for the holiday the day before. He seemed to think this over but decided he just couldn't make it through the rest of the day and left. When another employee came in to my office a little bit later, I asked him if John went home early because there was alcohol left from the weekend and he was afraid it would be gone by the time he got home from work. Yep. I know my employees so well.

Every ounce of respect I had for Mike is gone. I can't remember if I ever talked about "Abby" before and I don't really feel like going back through all my posts to figure it out. I don't even know if I called her Abby if I did talk about her. But whatever. Abby looks like a normal, 40ish, motherly black woman. And at first I thought that was just what she was. Then she began calling every Thursday (pay day) for John. She would tell me that she needed to speak to John about "an urgent business matter". When I would tell her that he wasn't on break and that I would leave him a message, she would continue to call back and ask if he was on break yet. Then I found out what this "urgent business matter" really was. John was paying Abby 1/4 of his paycheck each week for sexual favors whenever he wanted them. Seriously. Finally I told John to tell her not to call him at work anymore because I didn't feel their deal constituted an "urgent business matter". And she stopped. Itchie told me that Abby would give a sexual favor for a bologna sandwich and has before. Ew. Just Ew. A couple weeks ago, Abby calls and asks for Mike. And then a week later, the same thing. On Thursdays. So imagine my surprise yesterday when Abby came into my office when only my boss, Mike and I were still here. I told her that John had gone home for the day. She told me she was here to see Mike. Yesterday was Thursday. Pay Day. I can't even look at Mike now. Maybe I don't know my employees as well as I thought. Ugh.

Tonight we are going to happy hour, tomorrow Stacy is bbq-ing the best damn chicken I've ever had and I will be first in line for it and well Sunday, Sunday is Christmas in September aka FOOTBALL. Monday I turn 28. My 3 months of bliss where Howard and I are the same age is up and I will once again be older for 9 months and he will take every opportunity to remind me of this.

I was at the bar yesterday afternoon and overheard the bartender and some of the regulars talking about the word "conversate". Actually they were arguing, not talking, about whether it was really a word. I wanted to interrupt and yell out "Yes huh!! It IS a word!" But I didn't. And I'm glad. Because now I am having second thoughts. I googled (is that a real word?) it and came across various sites that did or did not recognize it.

Dictionary.com states:

conversate

- 1 dictionary result

Main Entry:	conversate
Part of Speech:	v
Definition:	to socialize and chat; to converse with another
Etymology:	back-formation from conversation
Usage:	slang

Merriam-Webster.com states:

conversate

One entry found.

• Main Entry: con·ver·sate
• Pronunciation: \ˈkän-vər-ˌsāt\
• Function: intransitive verb
• Inflected Form(s): con·ver·sat·ed; con·ver·sat·ing
• Etymology: back-formation from conversation
• Date: 1973

Then I read a blog (is that a real word??) where the author vehemently denies that "conversate" is a word. She swears she is some grammar nazi and apparently goes around correcting people of their grammatical mistakes. Wow...winner. Anyhow, I read through all the comments and they also go back and forth on whether it's an acceptable word. Confusing.

So I asked Amy because I believe anything my friends tell me. She said she thought it was. Then I asked Leslie who said she believed it was as well but then looked in a dictionary and couldn't find it (though the version was from 2002). Then Joe pipes in that it's not and the correct wording is "converse". Rockett tells me to type it into Word and see what happens. I got the red squigglies under it. So then I typed in "googled" and "blog" and got the same frustrating wavy lines. (I just typed in "squigglies" in Word and got more squigglies...that's a fun word..if it's even a word.) Rockett then says that in his opinion, if people use it, it makes it a word. Which I liked. But then he said "holla" and "shiznit" were words...

So I've been dwelling on this since 8:00 this morning. I know, sad. But Leslie just told me her whole office is arguing about it right now, half for and half against so that makes me feel a little bit better. I'm not sure this will ever be solved and it might just have to remain one of life's greatest mysteries.

Nashville Airport Star!

Oh, so I completely forgot to write that I figured out who the famous person I saw at Nashville's airport was. Since Jeannette was passed out by the time I got to her house that Friday night, I was able to lounge on the couch with Michael's laptop. I am a little crazy when I can't figure something like that out so I wasn't going to quit until I found what I was looking for. I searched through male country music artists letter by letter starting with A, clicking on names I sort of recognized to see a picture. When I got to the name Jeffrey Steele, I passed right by it before something in my brain was triggered and I went back to it. I clicked on it but there was no picture so I typed it into Google images and VOILA! He was a judge on Nashville Star and writes all the music for famous country stars. I'm a genius...a neurotic genius that is.

Pic I took with my phone to send to Howard

From Google Images

Back to Work...Nothing's Changed

First thing my boss tells me when I walk in to work this morning is to lock my car...which I do anyway even though I can see it from my office window. I don't trust anyone around here. Case in point. My boss has one of those huge water bottles that he stores his change in. Once it's full, he cashes it in and sends it to his mother-in-law in Honduras. Aww! About a month ago, he noticed that he was missing about 2 inches of change and realized his son must be stealing from it. So he moved it to his truck bed (which has a cover and a lock) for safe keeping. (Side note: My boss lives two hours away and drives here Monday morning, stays in a hotel all week and returns home Friday afternoon.) He figured it was safer with him in his truck then at home with his son. Yesterday afternoon, he told Billy Bob and John to take some hoses to his truck and put them in the bed while he cleaned himself up to go to the repair place. When he arrived at the repair place, he couldn't help but notice that the water jug had been moved and their was only a thin layer covering the bottom of it. He believes that John and Billy Bob took the jug to Billy Bob's car and overturned it leaving only a small amount of change. I believe he's right. Of course he has no proof because the cameras outside long ago stopped working. But that's not going to stop him from attempting to scare them into telling the truth. When John gets here later today (he's at court this morning...go figure), he's going to tell them both that he has ordered the tape from the video camera and it will be here in a week. Doubt it will work but I guess it's worth a shot.

We had a guy quit last Monday while I was on vacation. Billy Bob called him a name that rhymes with wussy and he went crazy and walked out. He came in yesterday to give me a food stamp document he needed filled out. He then asks me if I can write that we laid him off on his paperwork so he can file for unemployment. Um, no. He then begs my boss saying that if he had unemployment then he wouldn't need food stamps and I wouldn't have to fill the form out. Um, no.