Hiring Humor

Part of my job is to hire new employees whenever there is an opening. Luckily, there has been little turnover lately so I haven't had to go through the long process much but here are some things that have happened in the past.

If I decide to hire someone, I have to give them a drug test. The test is a plastic handle with a sponge attached to the end. They have to put the sponge in their mouth and salivate on it for 3--4 minutes. I've taken one and the sponge tastes really bad so most times they try to give it back to me after a minute or so but I make them continue. Once it's wet enough, I have to take the handle and push the sponge down into a container and then use the container to squeeze three drops onto a testing strip. Sounds easy enough, but when there is spit involved, it's gross.

I gave Billy Bob the test when I first hired him. When he gave the sponge back to me, it was yellow and covered in brown specs. I gagged in his face. I'm actually gagging now writing about it. Absolutely disgusting. I wanted to unhire him just for that but he passed the test and I couldn't. Everytime I see him, I think of that sponge and now I will occasionally ask him if he brushed his teeth lately.

Speaking of the drug test, it doesn't work. One guy basically told me in so many words, he was going to fail. But he passed and he couldn't have been more surprised. Employees have told me that a lot of the people hired shouldn't have passed the test and they know for a fact they were on drugs at the time. I've told my bosses we need to get a different test but they don't seem to care. A urine test would probably be the way to go but if they go that route, I'm giving up my hiring responsibility. I'll even take a pay cut.

I was testing another guy one day when he told me he would pass with flying colors because he had been clean for 18 years. I glanced at his tax forms and saw that his birthdate made him 22. I told him I thought it was really impressive that he kicked the habit at 4 years old. He didn't get it.

Before I hire anyone, they have to fill out an application. I got one back that had the first name listed as "Hot" and the middle name listed as "Rod". He swore it was his real name...

One of the questions on the application is "Have you worked for us before?" I hired a truck driver on the premise that he had not worked for us in the past. He was actually a pretty decent driver and human being. It was working out well. Until I was going through old files and saw his name on a folder. Turns out he had worked for us before and was fired for stealing from the company. Apparently he was using our account at the gas station to fill up friend's trucks with diesel in exchange for cash. Refired.

We had some mexicans working for us not too long ago and they were by far, the best workers we've had. One worked for us for over a year before HR ran his SSN through the database and it came back with a different name. So I had him in my office and I was trying to figure out why his SSN came back as someone else. Using what little spanish I know I was able to get him to admit that his ID and Social Security card were fake and he had paid someone in Tennessee $250 for it. I seriously wanted to cry. We had to let 4 of them go at one time. Every one of them was illegal. We have one left and he's asked me to teach him English. Every day I teach him a new word. He came to me one day and asked for "glove". I told him it was a "pair of gloves". A week later, he interrupted me while I was eating my lunch and I was annoyed until I realized he had said he needed "a pair of gloves." Made me feel so good :)

Here is a little collection of some samples from applications:

Reason for leaving last job: The owner died so I decided to quit.

Have you been convicted of a felony?: I got into an argument with my girlfriend and took off in her car and she pressed charges on me.

Additional Information/Other Qualifications: Care animal rours a litlo pigs.

Reason for leaving last job: Went on vacation, got stuck in New Jersey.

Describe any specialized training, certifications, apprenticeship, skills and extra-curricular activities: I got skills.

Reason for leaving last job: I got incarcenated.

Reason for leaving job: Quit, did not like manual labor - (The employer listed for this job was us...and he was reapplying for manual labor...)

Have you been convicted of a felony? Trafficing in marijuana, DUI, Domestic Assault, Possession of Ilegal Firearm, Aggravated Assualt, Conspriacy.

Reason for leaving: Prison.

Reason for leaving: I have problems with people (but one of his special training attributes listed is "good working with others".

Have you been convicted of a felony? Before I was 21, I got in a few brushes with the law.

Reason for leaving: Me and the owner got into a argument, he threatened to hit me in the head with a pipe wrench.

Have you been convicted of a felony? Meth.

Reason for leaving: My mental health.

Work Performed: Catching chickens.

Have you been convicted of a felony? Buglary 3 times.

Have you been convicted of a felony? I reduced people's property taxes on vehicles.

Have you been convicted of a felony? DUI, DUI, DUI